The Locano

Taco Bell and I share a deep history.  To understand this, you first need to realize that I grew up on microwave burritos and generic brand cereal.  That's about it.  For most of my life I had the palate of a mexican prison inmate.  No offense to Mexico.  Whenever we were on a road trip my family would stop at Taco Bell and allow each of us kids to pick two menu items...I'd supplement my allowance by sucking on packets of hot sauce.  I applied to work at Taco Bell the day I turned 15 (only to be told they can't hire 15 year-olds).  I came back 365 days later and took my rightful position.  Enough said.

Now that I'm older and have spread out my culinary wings I almost never eat fast food.  Key word, almost.  So when I heard that Taco Bell had done the fast food equivalent of landing a man on the moon, I had to check it out.  Yes, I'm referring to the Doritos Locos Taco.  A regular taco inside a shell of pure nacho cheese flavored Doritos.  Amen.

Was it amazing?  Yes.  Was it sinful?  Probably.  Did I think I could make it better?  You know it.  Over the weekend I headed south of the border ( of Snohomish County) and tried an experiment of epic proportions.

Pictured above (left to right) you'll see the Doritos Locos Taco, the Volcano Taco, and their love child.  I call him "The Locano."  The Doritos Locos Taco gives immediate satisfaction when it hits your lips.  The shell is coated in powdery nacho cheese and cocaine, but the inside is just regular old taco.  The Volcano Taco tells a different tale.

The Volcano is a regular taco with addition of a substance straight from the nicer part of hell.  Lava sauce.  It's like nacho cheese with hot sauce mixed in.  Actually, that's exactly what it is.  When the Volcano first hits your mouth you feel deceived.  That beautiful red shell is actually just a regular hard shell colored red!  However, once the Lava Sauce hits your tongue you realize how wrong you were.  You're in love.


So, the Doritos Locos Taco provides instant gratification with its powdery exterior, and the Volcano Taco indulges your inner demons with a slow burn.  Why can't Taco Bell pull out the stops and bring together the Yin and the Yang?  Wait!  They can!

Introducing "The Locano!"  You take that Doritos Locos Taco and match-make your way into pure fast food ecstacy with a dose of Lava Sauce.  When the Loco and Volcano hook up, the off-spring will never let you down.  From the second it hits your lips to the heartburn and regret following your last bite, you'll know two things.  1:  This isn't healthy.  2:  You'll be doing this again.

Adventures in Logic at the IRS

I'm not usually one to grouse about government ineptitude, but today I'll make an exception.

As part of my job I prepare and file a few dozen tax returns a year.  Every now and then I get a piece of fan-mail back from the IRS regarding one of these filings and we become pen-pals for several weeks.  I've learned to maintain my files so that I'm prepared for these love notes.  One of the easiest ways to prevent confusion...deliver the tax returns by hand instead of by mail to the nearest IRS taxpayer center and have them time stamp a copy of the front page of the return.  It's a beautiful thing.  There's nothing sexier than a clean set of workpapers.

Only problem with my system...I was informed today that the IRS will no longer stamp copies of returns for people like me.  Why?  As a cost-saving measure.  Check out the transcript of my conversation with the IRS agent (as I remember it):

Me:  Here are the tax returns I need filed.  I tried to make it as easy for you, so I made copies of the front page of each return and marked them with a "COPY" stamp.  Everything should be in order.
Agent:  Oh, okay.  Just so you know...for your information...this is the last time we'll be stamping copies of your returns for you.
Me:  Seriously?  Why?
Agent:  It's a cost-saving measure.
Me:  That's weird.  So you want us to use certified-return receipt from the post office?  That's really inconvenient for our workpapers.
Agent:  Sorry, but you don't pay us to stamp copies of the returns.
Me:  Yeah I do.  I just gave you two estimated tax payments.  It's the IRS's job to collect and process taxes.
Agent:  Sorry.  This is the last time.
Me:  Whatever.  It's not your fault. *facepalm*

Total length of visit, including stamping the documents...5 minutes.  For comparison, it would have taken me at least half an hour to prepare certified-return receipt forms, stuff all the returns in appropriate envelopes, walk to the post office, wait another half an hour for the post office employee to process the certified-return receipt forms (including time in line), pay a few dollars per return on the postage, and maintain the returns in limbo until I get the receipt backs from the post office (usually a few weeks).  Kind of a pain.

Wait a second, don't the post office employees work for the government too?  Hold on, aren't those tax payments also going to support their salaries?  Just a minute, didn't that take a lot more time and expense to do it the other way?  Oh well, at least the IRS is saving money.

Before you say it, I realize that this is another good reason to e-file, which we are now required to do for a lot of our returns.  In any case, it's a funny story.